Somewhere on the Internet

by Naked Mall Rats

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credits

released March 31, 2007

Justice Thrust - drums
Skin Burglar - guitar, keytar, vocals
GK - main vocals, bass, sitar, audiomulch etc.
Lizbot - vocals

Recorded by Colin Marston at The Thousand Caves
on 10/15/06 (instruments) and 10/22/06 (vocals)
Overdubs and editing by GK shortly thereafter, then re-edited in 2017
Mastered by James Plotkin

Music by GK and the Naked Mall Rats
Lyrics by GK except certain contributions to "Squirrel You Know It's True" by Lizbot and Skin Burglar

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George Korein and the Spleen Philadelphia

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Track Name: There Must Be Somewhere (on the internet)
Here I am now, entertain me

There must be somewhere on the internet I can go
Where furverts serenade me with mp3s of ukelele
Where I'm not bored or ignored
Where dramas can unfurl in a semi-real world
And I can argue with strangers!
Where I can converse in text, pics and links, quote in verbatiim
Steal all the music and movies in history
and never read a book, but maybe a blog
Where every day I get a message, saying:

LADY YOUR DICK IS TOO SMALL, BIGGER IT NOW SUDDENLY!
NATURALLY IRRESISTABLE YOUR CORPORATE IDENTITY!
GET MUSCULAR, THICK-VEINED PORN STAR COCK!
THIS IS THE MOST MODERN AND SAFE WAY NOT TO COVER WITH SHAME!

There must be somewhere on the internet I can go
Where all my interactions are transcribed for posterity
And nothing is left to the vagaries of memory
My emotional history compiled from binary and
Rendered up in cold text in few fonts
There must be somewhere I can go on the internet
Is that what I want?
Track Name: The Internet is Handy
Would you be my television, movie theater, red light district, bar, club, radio, mall, casino, auction house, telephone, travel agent, library, post office, journal, soapbox, magazine stand, newspaper, convention, arcade?

Would you do that for me?
Would it be healthy?
Would you do that for me?
I think it'd be handy

Handy, and uh, maybe unhealthy
Track Name: IRL
IRL,
I'm not doing too well
Neither are you
Nor the world I'm pretty sure
Track Name: I'm Old Enough For Myspace
I'm old enough for MySpace
I'm old enough for your space
Can I come over to your place? (um...)
...and get up in your thighspace? (hell no!)

I'm old enough for MySpace
I'm old enough for your space
I swear I'm not lying about my a/s/l
My intentions could pave the road to hell
I know that I hid my face
In the pictures that you saw
But give romance a chance
My uber-l33t personality
Might just make you fall
Track Name: Moved By Your Emoticon
How can I not cry
When you change the entire meaning of your sentence
With a little animated smiley face bouncing around
And shooting hearts yeah,
Hopefully reducing the possibility of misinterpretation?
How can I?
How can I not cry?
No, seriously.
How can I not cry?
What the -- what the fuck?
I mean how can I not fucking cry?
Cry tears!
Tears of joy!
Track Name: I Just Wanna Pwn You (in bed)
People say that I look like a wuss
Some emo kid who likes to fuss
A shrimp who probably likes it in the butt
And needs a tough girl to show him what's what

That's not where I'm at
I want to lay down the law, in fact
I want to give you something to remember
And make you know who wears the pants
I just want to pwn you in bed, fuck romance
Track Name: Forensics Camp Was Fun
I don't think it's morbid to know ballistics
I don't want to be a CPA
I just want to study corpses every day for pay
Just like everybody else my age
I was swabbing mouths for DNA, it was a blast
I want to be a crime scene investigator
This isn't just a phase that'll pass
Track Name: Squirrel You Know It's True
Some say that we furs are pervy
Call us furverts and claim that we're nerdy
But I'm not slut on the scene
Hanging on anyone whose costume is keen
I don't yiff every predator just 'cause I'm prey
Going straight, gay, bi and every which way
With the dragons and protoplasms every day

I'm looking for love and commitment
And when I saw you strolling into the convention lounge
With those exquisite markings of silvery black and caramel brown
My mind was made up right then and there
And when we slowdanced with glowsticks
There was magic in the air
No doubt in my mind, baby
I've got my five-thousand-year-old shapeshifting heart set on you

Squirrel you know it's true
I'm saving all my yiff for you
I want to know what yiff is and I want you to show me
I want to scritch all night long
Locate the synapses -- touch them repeatedly -- inducing pleasure
All night long, baby, all night long, 'til the rise of dawn
Baby, all night long, at the hotel room at the Anthrocon
Track Name: Stop Trolling My Life
Started on the board
Then it was at my shows
Now you call me up in the middle of the night
Fuck off, please

Stop trolling my life
Please get your own
Track Name: Countdown to Uncoolness
Who controls the internet? (I do! No, I do!)
Take me to the master of the internet! (No!)

The internet is no man's land
That's why it's so cool

Everyone's one flash cartoon away
From a million hits and expensive bandwidth
Let's count the days before the corporations
And the legislations do their best to ruin it