74 years of accumulated wisdom
Delving deeper and deeper
Toward the inner sanctum
Of the human condition
Have, in the extremity of life's expedition
Returned with this
The unearthed final conclusion:

I've got a wristband
You need a wristband
Are you a tit man or an ass man?
I'm a wrist man, thanks man
Found out down at the ashram
Check out this plan, get in this van
Going down to wristland, wristland
Wristband Tennessee
I have reason to believe
We will shall be received
With a wristband

Amethyst chrysalis in the vista
Persistently emanating wristband
Identity and morality undermined
By tribulations endured in pursuit of wristband
Personhood capriciously granted and revoked by wristband
Entire cultures contorted into unrecognizable inversions under the inescapable influence of wristband

Unfathomable consequences impossible to foresee in light of the awesome forces unleashed by wristband
Contours of a terrible new future take form in the indelible shape of wristband
Every vow forsaken in the unforgivable wake of wristband
In your face, waistband, get a taste of the wasteland
Precepts retroactively replaced according to the vicissitudes of wristband
Laws of physics invalidated thoroughly by wristband
Einstein discredited by wristband
Neil Degrasse Tyson humiliated by wristband
Single-payer healthcare system enacted in the US by wristband
Only available to citizens wearing a wristband
Doesn't have to be THE wristband,
Just A wristband

Let's be specific
The wristband is intrinsic
It excites the sadistic
The results are in:
Every loss, wrist win
Reveling in the revelation of our frailties
Foretelling the termination of our determination

It is natural in this situation to scream
But we can only whimper "Wristband"
Take off your wristband
Hand me your wristband
Thanks, man